The One Where Nixon’s Second Best
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
I’ll do algebra and geometry
But graphing is where I draw the line
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
Just found out I’ve failed my German exam…
Sacre bleu!
I’ve learned 99% of the English language.
I'm almost their.
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships?
So they can Scandinavian
Why did the Corona Virus cross the street?
To help seniors get to the other side
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
Teacher asks her class, “If there’s 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
The GOP is apparently ok with extremely late term abortions if the stock market is suffering
https://ift.tt/2KdS7EF
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
What do you call an Egyptian doctor?
A Cairo-practor
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
Anyone hear about the transsexual lion that became a vegetarian?
He was a her before.
Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest
Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes." The knight takes some time to think, he already has a castle, money and a beautiful wive. Then he says: "Make me invulnerable, so I can never lose any battle." The fairy snaps her fingers, and it is done. Then the knight says, "Make my horse invulnerable too, so we both can fearlessly charge into enemy lines." The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done. The knight needs some time to think again, because he already has everything he could need. After a while, he says, "Make my genitals as big as my horse's." The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done. Proud and excited he leaves the forest and rides back to his castle, where he finds his squire. The knight hands his sword to the squire and orders him to behead his horse. At first, the squire refuses, saying "I cannot kill your horse, it is the best horse you have ever had, my Lord." When the knight urges him to, the squire swings the sword with all his might and hits the horse on the neck. Nothing happens. "Now hit me", the knight orders and takes off his armor. The squire refuses again, scared, but the knight orders him to. So he hits the knight with the sword on the chest, but again, nothing happens. The squire cannot believe his eyes as all of his attacks have no effect on either horse or knight. "And now take a look at this", the knight proclaims and takes off his pants. Says the squire: "Wow, that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen!" Edit: it's "snaps", not "snips"… TIL 😀
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate(8) 9. But why did 7 eat 9? Because you have to eat 3 squared meals a day.
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
I named my dog “Wifi”…
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
You’ll no longer be able to reuse your 2018 calendars after Wednesday. You’ll be able to reuse it again in 2029. Now with all that being said, you can start reusing your 2019 calendars for the rest of the year starting on Friday.
You’ll no longer be able to reuse your 2018 calendars after Wednesday. You’ll be able to reuse it again in 2029. Now with all that being said, you can start reusing your 2019 calendars for the rest of the year starting on Friday.
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.