The Onion has no chill
I don’t get what Christians are trying to warn us about. Hell sounds like a great place
People are dying to get there.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing
…except at a funeral
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
Stolen, but proves that Boomers have become self aware, their humour knows no bounds…
https://ift.tt/3e90SO3
Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
Day 284 without sex…
Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
So, a snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “how did you do that?”
Why did the baby go to jail?
Because he was resisting a rest.
I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
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Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it
I hope someone woke up Green Day
No text found
A blonde was getting pretty desperate for money.
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay her. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Have you guys tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing!
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
What do you call a lazy cow?
Lean beef.
This one time, all the rooms in a hotel were booked. But then comes this one guy, who asks for a room, in the same hotel, and gets one easily.
Because his name was Improvement. And there's always room for improvement.
My friend Victor recently changed his last name to “E”, but no-one knows why…
He’s become a Mister E…
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
“I used to be a Christian”
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.
I like to call my weed “the Quran”
Because burning it will get you stoned.
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time…
… and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?" "Yes, " says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
I used to love blowing air at people’s faces…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
Where do man-splainers get their water?
From a well, actually
What does a house wear?
Address