The onion really coming through.
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, “This money’s just going to get spent on booze or drugs.”
That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step, until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
I really need to cut my fingernails,
they’re getting out of hand..
Wanna hear a HIPAA joke?
Sorry, I can't tell you.
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no bell prize.
Why are Apple stores hypocritical?
Because to construct them, you need to install windows
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi
The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she had ever felt
I told her she was just pulling my leg.
My 77 year old dad said this last night
So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”
My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.
I'm the real part.
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
If I won 298 million, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
“Welcome back, everybody” is apparently not a good way to start your speech
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. “Do you guys have golden toilets?” he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?" "Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet." Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
P. It's like R, but missing a leg.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
How many “friend zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday…
… I didn’t like it at first.
Why was Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.
After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So i took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
A blonde got tired of blonde jokes…
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days. I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? " Then it hits me, I can fix this. I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away. As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us ! He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight. The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?" I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave. I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story