The onion really coming through.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…”
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
Why can’t Superman beat Dracula?
Because he's afraid to go into the krypt tonite!
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
The guys loitering on the street had been trolling this kid for a couple of years.
They'd hold out a nickle in one hand and a dime in the other and ask "Which one do you want? The nickle is bigger!" and the kid would always take the nickle. One day I took the kid aside and asked him "Don't you know the dime is worth twice as much?" He said "Yeah, but if I take the dime they won't ever do it again!"
When life gives you melons
You may be dyslexic
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
An American walks into an Irish bar.
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."
It takes guts
To be an organ donor
What movies are rated 3.1416 stars?
Pirated movies
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
I thought it was a booger
But it snot.
My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”
Strange way to start a conversation….
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied…..
Thanks for the Baghdad
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression
I had to put my foot down
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
I can explain…
https://ift.tt/39ehIIv
At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced.
In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.
We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school. My friend said, “What do you think it’ll be like?”
I said, “Remains to be seen.”
Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
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Dad: What are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk. Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Dad
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
Imagine a woman with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
Why are dad jokes like sex?
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
What’s a decent Asian stereotype?
I like Sony and Yamaha.
Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
Just found out I’ve failed my German exam…
Sacre bleu!
Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?
He was on stage one day and said "Uno…dos…" and then he disappeared without a tres.
A long time ago I read this joke I found so good I wrote it down. I found this note today
Disclaimer: This joke involves gender-based humour and don't actually reflect the my viewpoint about either gender. So there was this billionare, very sucessful enterpreneur, that decided to invest a large chunk of his funds in a new business: The Husband Shop The Husband Shop is a 6-floor building, each containing an assortment of husbands bearing more or less the same characteristics, however the next floor has a costier but better selection. So, this Lady goes to visit the shop and she sees this at the first floor: "At The Husband Shop we strive to present to you the very best in man. This Floor has 100% loyal men". Quite pleased with what she sees, she goes to the next one and it says: "This Floor 100% loyal men and they are very handsome!". She investigates further, and on the third floor she sees: "This floor has 100% loyal men, and they are handsome and romantic!" On the fourth floor she finds: "This floor has 100% loyal men, which are also very handsome, romantic and great with kids!" The fifth floor had the following: "This floor has 100% loyal men, all of them are very handsome, romantic, great with kids and they'll rock your world in the bed every time!" She was absolutely amazed by what they had put together, and she knew they had the best for last, so she found this: "Congratulations! You are the 4,986,221th visitor this year! Sorry, there are no husbands in this floor. We regret to inform we abandoned "The Husband Shop" development as we realized women were nearly impossible to please". ————————————————— BONUS JOKE In order to appeal to both genders (and alleviate the uproar of sexism accusations), the billionare made "The Wife Shop", and they put a lot more effort this time around. Since the other business became so famous because of the unusual service, a reporter did some digging, and he came back with this: "Upon arriving 'The Wife Shop', or TWS, the costumer is immediatly greeted by an employee that will explain the concept of the business and will acompany Him or Her through the floors, in the same method they used on The Husband Shop. The First Floor says: Welcome to The Wife Shop! We keep our promise to strive for excellency, but this time it's all about finding you your perfect wife! This floor has the most gourgeous women you'll ever find. The second floor says: "This floor has absolutely gorgeous women and they are all incredible in the bedroom. The 4 remaining floors are yet to be visited".
