The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
A married couple was in a terrible accident…
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
My dad’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I hired lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.
They lost my case.
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride!
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.
A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.
He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?" Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help." Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?" Officer: "On average, about two gallons."
A snake walks into a bar
The bartender asks "How the hell did you do that ?"
Me: Here’s some good news. My wife is pregnant!
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex? Me: Of course I know “the sex”. How else will she get pregnant?
Your penis is so small…
that when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
How do you rescusitate a sheep?
You give it Sheep PR
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with
After the question, the woman doesn't respond. The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?" His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling. The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…" Still silence from his wife. The man, giving up, says "It's OK. Please don't be upset." Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband, "Damn it! You made me lose count!"
It wasn’t fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few years ago.
Now I can look back and laugh.
My mate David had his ID stolen…
… I now call him Dav.
Embarrassing Situation
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?”
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
This morning, I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water…
… I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home…
Jesus walks into a bar
“Just twelve waters please!” Winks at disciples
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
How can you tell if an ant is a girl or a boy?
They're all girls, otherwise they'd be uncles.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint. Credit: my dad
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
Hi, I’m Robin
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