The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear…
is sphere itself.
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
I’m not going to bed tonight.
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.
I thought we had good alchemy.
how does Hitler tie his shoes?
little knotsies
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey have decided to make a movie together!
Ben Affleck says: "I'll produce it!" Matt Damon says: "I'll direct it!" Matthew McConaughey says: "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner
It was just collecting dust
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.
So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought… She couldn’t stand to leave me.
I was telling jokes about nuts and bolts
But then I screwed up.
My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home…
Guess she’s homeless.
nooo you cant just increase released energy exponentially! Haha neutron printer go brrrr
https://ift.tt/36N0wJG
How does NASA throw parties?
They planet.
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic
Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic: There isn't any iceberg. There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean. The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon. There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg. We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly. The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg. We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats. Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them. We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors. Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats. I really don't think we need that many lifeboats. We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats. The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship. Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.
Halloween dad joke
why don't skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with haha
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
Sorry for this …
Neil arms weak. Neil joins gym. Neil does chin-ups. Neil Armstrong 2. William making fruit shake. William took pears. William put them in glass. William Shakespeare 3. Jimmy goes to restaurant. Jimmy sits down. Jimmy gets food. Jimmy Choo 4. Tony makes movie. Tony works hard. Tony earns fans. Tony Star k 5. Alan feels happy. Alan runs hard. Alan falls in gutter. Alan Reekman (Rickman) 6. Usain s*** scared. Usain screams. Usain close doors. Usain Bolt.
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for…
I can never get a straight answer.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
(NSFL) What’s the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods.
Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
“Yep, she got the house”
