The only thing Flat Earthers fear…
…Is sphere itself.
A good bar joke that always makes women laugh
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?? His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
If your cable stops working, it could be a bad ohm-N.
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
It's Christmas, Eve! Ps Merry Christmas, happy holidays etc etc to all my fellow dads and dad joke lovers π
After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Whatβs big and grey and doesnβt matter?
An irrelephant.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".ο»Ώ
Why is Waldoβs shirt striped?
Canβt be spotted
Why does Mr. T drive a Tesla?
Because he pities the fuel.
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now Iβm their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
![You may get this [insert shitty Samsung emojis]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/cvsim38ov4931-400x437.jpg)
A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school…
"How was you English test today?" She asked "It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question" "What did it ask?" The mother replied "It asked for the past tense of think" "What did you answer it as?" The mother says. "I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"
βFrom a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the communityβ
βCOVID19 DAY20 Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. Iβll let you knowβ
I just got back from the doctor, who told me I’m infertile.
I'm not kidding.
weβll weβll weβll…
…if it isnβt autocorrect.
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? A. 499 Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why? A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How? A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why? A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky
How do you count People from Mississippi
1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi 3 Mississippi
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
My wife left me because Iβm too insecure and paranoid
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
Why are IRS employees always tired when they get home?
Their jobs are taxing.
Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!
My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.
I gave all of my dead batteries away today,
free of charge.
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, βFine. Suit yourself.β
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
A man with authority walks into a bar..
He orders everyone a round.
I had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Theyβll just shoot the room for being black
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if itβs a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if itβs a b- me: Himbert
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
