The only thing here that makes me cry is the caption
Who is this Rorschach guy
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting
Why did an old man fall into a well?
Because he couldn't see that well
I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” He replied, “I don’t think you’re crazy. I like sausages too.”
"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Gandalf walk into a bar
Gimli and the Hobbits are short and walk under it.
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?
Our helpline is open 24/7!
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.
I don’t know how much she charges,
What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's final movement
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
I was diagnosed as colour blind today.
It really came out of the purple.
I stayed up all night trying to figure out why the sun disappears…
…then it dawned on me.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again!
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
There is a new reality show where flat earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my things and right
Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye
It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.. Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
I never forget my sons first words…
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people in line behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
A physicist see a man about to jump from a ledge. He yells.
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
What’s a pirate’s favorite juice?
The Hi-C
I pushed a chinese person down a flight of stairs
It was wong on so many levels
Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.
He was waiting for good dough.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
What did the mute man say to the bartender?
No text found
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.
Is it a hymn or a her?
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."