The only thing here that makes me cry is the caption
Burnt my hawaiian pizza last night.
Should have put the oven on aloha setting!
To the guy who invented 0…
Thanks for nothing!
What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates
I Didn’t Drop the Soap
No text found
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
They are immediately disqualified.
Student loans you got me through college
I don’t think I can ever repay you
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
My therapist just told me that I have serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…
But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
There’s a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bustling bar and gets up to leave. . .
A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm gonna sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!" True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [now silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "Mister? What was it you done in Texas?" The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "I had to walk."
I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.
That idea was immediately shot down
Partners in the geology lab were upset that I didn’t share the earthquake data…
It’s completely my fault
Be careful today when searching “Giant Black Hole Pics”
All I keep getting are scientific articles.
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
It’s ironic that Parasite won.
Because there was no host for the Oscars. Huh? Huh? I'll show myself out.
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
A child asks his dad, what does a solar eclipse mean.
His dad replied, "no son".
I just saw my friend accidentally take Viagara when he meant to take Ambien.
He’ll be up all night.
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
A farmer
buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it’s fucking the geese and the ducks too. Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, " You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "Shhhhhh! They are about to land!"
My wife showed me a meme post on Instagram
I told her I already Reddit.