the only thing more satisfying is having glucose in stock
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia
Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
“Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!” My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
I’ve been accused of stealing other people’s jokes
This post says otherwise
After Adam stayed out for a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. “What are you doing?” “Counting your ribs.”
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking
Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.
My son told me he had a hole in his shoe today
I said yes son, that's where you put your foot in
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.
He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!” “Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
Is this sub still active?
There haven't been any posts all year! australia squad
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
Two ladies talking in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… we'd both still be alive.
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta
Now it’s a Ford Focus
Dad joke warning ⚠
Knock, knock… Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep. I warned you.
A man is having trouble with a crossword puzzle, and asks his wife for help
"What's another word for an overloaded mailman? 16 across". "How many letters?", she replies. "Thousands I'd imagine."
Why couldn’t the computer take its Hat off?
Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
My piano teacher is the last person you would expect to show this to her students
https://ift.tt/3cmud6T
