The only thing that remains constant.
Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Why should you NEVER ask Rick Ashley for his complete collection of Pixar movies?
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.
“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space”
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I’m so easily distracted!…
Ah well..back to it I suppose
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
A Viking named Rudolph the Red looks outside, then tells his wife “It’s going to rain”…
Wife asks "Why do you think that?" He replies "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear…" (Not mine, my dad found it somewhere and was very proud of making the family groan…)
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
“This aged well.”
I just spotted an albino dalmatian…
It was the least I could do!
Knock knock.
Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Aw, don't cry. It's just a joke.
My wife yelled at me for having no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town
and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots….. I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police check point on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
How heavy is a red hot chili pepper
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Lesbian bed
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
Dude, where’s my
https://ift.tt/2pry5ze
What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the dinner table?
"Use the fork Luke"
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
“Knock Knock”
Who's there? "Yah" Yah who? ".com"
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed. "Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?" "Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!" The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do." His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy. Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues. By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well. The church bursts into hard laughter. Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation. "We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says. The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you." "Yes," replied the other American. "Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.
My wife gets mad when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
The other day I yelled into a colander.
I strained my voice.
Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?
Talk about head over heels!