The ONLY wall America needs!!!!! A very high and beautiful wall đ
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?
Because blonde men are stupid too.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
A young man gathers his courage and decides to come out as being gay to his mother and father
They're both reasonably shocked, but are very supportive. They assure him that they still love him, and wish he'd told them sooner. Everything seems to be going great, until the father poses a question to his son that makes the young man really think. "How are you going to focus on college if you're spending all your time being a moderator on Reddit?"
Hey guys, I’m an engineering student and I just started designing these shirts and hoodies, if you like them, be welcome to support :)
—-bit.ly/2QoVGKQhttps://preview.redd.it/ppq3lobru1741.jpg?width=1362&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5b256e5f8360d8f7ec63a0bc9b56ab2e365e5e7câhttps://preview.redd.it/w0wsid5wu1741.png?width=474&format=png&auto=webp&s=17eb294daf907213e086eb9862538d198b622e97âhttps://preview.redd.it/mphne05uu1741.png?width=463&format=png&auto=webp&s=90f35493f4e735d87e0bb4b3fae6a944978be5fb
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
I’m an American, and I’m sick of people saying, âAmerica is the stupidest country in the world.â
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
I donât always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive
"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!" "Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist. "Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
Now I have a bitcoin.
During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.
The British general called one of his men over. âPrivate! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.â âYes, Sir!â The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. âSee, British soldiers are the bravest.â âThatâs nothingâ said the Russian General âComrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.â âDa, Comrade General!â The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. âNobody more brave than Russian soldier.â The American general, unimpressed said âLet me show you all what real courage is.â He calls one of his men over. âPrivate! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!â Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says âGo fuck yourself, General.â âSee! Now that takes some real balls!â
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, âWeâre looking for two child molesters.â
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. âWeâll do it.â
I’ll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
…
My life…
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt! Courtesy of my 11-year-old, Ben.
Passwords
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired – you must register a new one." roses "Sorry, too few characters." pretty roses "Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character." 1 pretty rose "Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." 1prettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters." 1fuckingprettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character." 1FUCKINGprettyrose "Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively." 1FuckingPrettyRose "Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow! "Sorry, you cannot use punctuation." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow "Sorry, that password is already in use."
When does a joke become a Dad Joke ?
When it's fully groan.
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
Whatâs the warmest part of a room?
The corners. Theyâre 90 degrees.
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
âMeat Patty.â
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
Thereâs a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, âCome on man, I was just joking. Here, Iâll buy you another drink. I just canât stand seeing a man crying.â âNo, itâs not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and Iâm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.â âThe police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.â âAnd when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poisonâ
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
There are 10 kinds of people.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
What’s a flat tire’s favorite vegetable?
A spare, I guess
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
There are only 3 types of people in the world
The ones that can count, and the ones that can't
A man is lost in a hot air balloon
He sees a field below and descends to shout: "Hey can you tell me where I am? I'm trying to get to a friend whom I said I would meet in 30 minutes." The man in the field says: "Yes, you are in a red hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above the ground, in the middle of this field" "Ah, you must be an engineer", replies the balloonist "I am indeed, but how did you know?", asks the man. "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you've said is technically right, but is of no use to anyone" To this, the man replies: "Any you must work in management" The balloonist confirms this, but asks how the man knew. "Well", replies the man, "You don't know where you are, how to get where you're heading, made a promise you can't keep. You expect me to be able to help, but after all this time, we're in the exact same position we were before, but now it's my fault"
A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.