The other day an FBI agent randomly assaulted me with nasal spray. I think I might Sudafed.
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What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.
A dwarf walks into a
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass. The madam asks how she can help him. He says "I need a woman for mine has left me." The madam says "Whatever for? And what are the honeycomb and jackass for?" The dwarf says, "my wife found a genie that could grant her three wishes. For the first wish she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second wish she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this Jackass. The madam then asks "what about the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knee." "That's not so bad." "Not so bad?" Spluttered the dwarf "I used to be 6 foot 3!"
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's a bit different to the other ones you've heard.
I hate it when kids write “angle” instead of “angel”.
They’re just trying to be edgy.
*burgler gently waking me*
You live like this?
When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered
It was like music to my arse
Me, trying to sound smart: So, who is your favorite philosopher?
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
Why was the fool left hanging?
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“Forget everything you learned in College”
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "That works out because I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
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Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?
Because they're ice-o-lated
this ad….
https://ift.tt/2MOD46q
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
Who called it breast transplants and not Boobles?
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I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
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My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
If you were anti-pencil, would you be eracist?
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My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
I thought a had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
What do you call cold Mexican food?
Chillychangas
My bathroom mirror is so dirty
But I just can't see myself cleaning it
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I gave all of my dead batteries away today,
free of charge.
What do you call an alligator in a vest
An investigator
You know what really makes my day?
The rotation of the earth
I ate a clock today.
It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
Geology rocks but Geography is where its at.
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Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark…
I organised a secret bukkake party for my girlfriend…
Everybody came, you should have seen her face!
A Jewish man sent his son to Jerusalem for vacation.
Upon his son's return, the father finds out that his son has turned Christian! So, the father goes to his friend for emotional support. He says “Ethan, I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian”! “That’s odd…” His friend said, “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”! They both decide to go to their Synagogue and talk to the Rabbi. “Rabbi, Ethan and I sent our sons over to Jerusalem, and they came back Christian”! “That’s odd…” the Rabbi said “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”! Utterly dumbfounded, all three of the men decide to fly over to Jerusalem to see if they can get any answers. The three men arrive in Jerusalem and looked around for the better part of a day and found no clues. So, they go to the West wall and kneel down. The Rabbi prays, “Oh, God! Give us wisdom. We sent our sons to Jerusalem, and each one came back Christian”! As they were kneeling, God said, ”That’s odd…” Edit: a word
Any parent would agree. Made me laugh then I realised how true it was then it made me sad
https://ift.tt/31QHSfY