The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs…
I pleaded, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
Well, on the one hand your right,
and on the other, your left.
Why didn’t 4 jump into the pool?
Because they were 22
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
Two termites walk into a bar
One asks ‘Is the Bar tender here?’
What we call a monster we can’t find?
Wherewolf.
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot
Those dudes are royal AF
You shouldn’t fart in an Apple store,
They don't have Windows…
My sister bet me £15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn’t know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now…. I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin! For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn't turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages…. Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life. That dead idiot had a twin brother.
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
What comes out if you cross a mosquito and an elephant?
I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…
What do you call a bunker with multiple stories?
A layer lair.