The overused caption literally takes up more space than the actual good content.
I watched a documentary on mushrooms tonight.
I'll probably watch them all like that from now on.
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.
After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreauxβs sessions. βIf you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, which only cost tirty dollas a month, the gubmint pays you benefishary $400,000.β βNow, which group you tink the gubmint gonna send to Afghanistan first?β
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Why is suicide illegal in china?
Destruction of state property
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," She replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
We donβt sell to blondes
A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign βwe donβt sell to blondesβ in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation. To test the sign she asks the salesman βexcuse me, Iβd like to buy this TVβ And the salesman responds βIβm sorry maβam we donβt sell to blondesβ Shocked the woman leaves and returns later in the day now having changed her hair colour to brunette. Once again she asks the salesman βexcuse me, Iβd like to buy this TVβ To which she is met with the same response βIβm sorry maβam we donβt sell to blondesβ She begins to get irritated and heads out to get a new outfit- returning the next day in different clothes, with ginger hair, and a new haircut. She then proceeds to ask the salesman βexcuse me, Iβd like to buy this TVβ To which he responds βsorry maβam we donβt sell to blondesβ Now she is FURIOUS and heads out to plan the perfect deception. She once again changes her hair colour to black, gets a new haircut, changes her outfit, and even gets plastic surgery to look completely different in an attempt to buy from this shop. She returns having looked nothing like she did the previous days and once again asks the salesman βexcuse me, Iβd like to buy this TVβ To which he once again responds βsorry maβam we donβt sell to blondesβ She lashes out screaming at the man βHOW ON EARTH DO YOU KNOW IβM A BLONDE I LOOK NOTHING LIKE I DID WHEN I FIRST CAME IN HEREβ βBecause thatβs a microwaveβ he says.
What kind of music do elfs listen to
Wrap music
If Matthew McConaughey had a cat, what color would it be?
All white, all white, all white.
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
I ordered a vault and a speaker off amazon
They arrived safe and sound
Doctor: βAlright, it looks like weβre ready to deliver the baby.β
Me: βActually, weβd like him to keep his liver.β
My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.
I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
What do u call a tower of pizza boxes?
The leaning tower of pisa
You know why black people love watching sports?
Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
What are the working hours for stay at home parents of little boys?
Son up to son down.
What did Trump say when he picked up the cheese shredder?
"With this, I will make America grate again."
If a blind girl says you have a big penis
She's probably pulling your leg
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
A German is trying to to make his way to Paris
At the border, the French customs agent asks him βName?β βHans Mueller.β βPlace of residence?β βMunich.β βOccupation?β βNo, just vacation this time.β
Why was Pavlovβs hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
SORRY THIS POST IS IN ALL CAPS,
BUT MY KEYBOARD WAS BROKEN.
Yo mama so fat
Before she was buried the earth was flat
I just poked myself in the eye.
I canβt see myself doing that again any time soon.
Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
βYep, she got the houseβ
I saw an all-male choir performing on the weekend. I said…
…"There are 99 people in that choir." My son, who was with me, asked, "Wow dad! How did you count them so quickly?" I replied, "They are singing "Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do."
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box.
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words
Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable
It’s getting chilly!
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
I told my boss that I was tired of being a human cannonball.
Then he fired me.
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.