The Pandemic Cupboard
My wife is yelling at me for having a boner at her mothers funeral
My response, “I can’t help it, it’s mourning wood”
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office
I will find you. You have my Word.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .
I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.
[Warning]: 18+
19.
“Can you please change my grade?”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
Our country is about to switch from imperial to metric units.
There will be mass confusion.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
3d printers can print guns now
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
There are 3 unwritten rules in life
1. 2. 3.
[grocery store] Ok, milk…check, eggs…check, tomatoes…check.
“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market
I should have bought asparagus
A man is washing his car with his son.
His son looks at him and says, “Dad…Why can’t you use a sponge?”
My wife: I’m leaving you because of your obsession with Star Wars
Me: May divorce be with you
Why is 6 afraid of 7..
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.
They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
Can a woman make her husband a millionaire?
Of course, if he’s a billionaire.
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
I’m hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
I told my friend not to get excited about turning 32. Since her birthday would be short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
A guy’s credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.
Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now? Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife. Cop: Then why are you reporting it now? Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
My wife got really mad at me because I don’t have any sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right.
What do you call a cow that works out?
Beefy my 15 year old daughter trying to emulate my sense of humor.
Caveman discovers weed
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
Some lettuce is better than others
It shall romaine nameless.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He is disqualified.
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello! Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000 Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it. Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much! Man: Bye, I love you too. The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
