The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I’m confused…
… because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away…
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test…
I'd have $6.30 right now
This week I’m hosting a charity event for men who can’t ejaculate.
If you can’t come let me know.
I’m not a one trick pony
I know multiple tricks, and I’m not a pony
I wasn’t sure if this belonged here, r/im14andthisisdeep, or r/forwardsfromgrandma
https://ift.tt/33rtjjN
Dracula told me to bow in his presence, you could say I was…
Down for the count
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
My friend charges £20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
Did you know Darth Vader had to pay for his suit?
It cost him an arm and a leg.
The quarantine has brought a bountiful harvest to the family group chat from my mother
https://ift.tt/2QV4ppk
Why did the CEO of the underwear company cut the introductions short?
He wanted to keep things brief.
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
I got fired from the frozen orange juice factory today.
I just couldn’t concentrate.
A man walks into a bar
As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?” The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?” The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
I saw this odd guy walking towards the cemetery with a shovel…
I had grave concerns
My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.
Our dates can be summarized as follows: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten-year-old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10-year-old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
Remember, having sex regularly is great for your memory!
Have an awesome 2016! ❤️
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.
He’s now Dr.Awkward.
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.