« -The parks are finally open ! -They’re happy ! ».
One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar
. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." Considering that the man looked and acted pleasant enough, the woman doctor agrees to it. The two go to her hotel and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom, undresses, preps, and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and gets into bed. They have foreplay for 20 minutes and *** for 30 minutes or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because after you poked me, I didn't feel a thing."
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
When does a joke become a Dad Joke ?
When it's fully groan.
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
“I’ve just had the worst time” the boy said.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy." "Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years…
he’ll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor…
Her name is Cardi O!
Most slutty costume for Halloween goes to?
That girl dressed up as my professor, she barely covered anything important.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
My wife said she’s only interested in having sex if I dress like The Fonz.
She's ayyyyy sexual.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.
Why do they call him Lord Vader?
Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.
Two wives went out for girls’ night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says, "No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties." "You think you have it bad?", says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."
Girl: come over
Guy: I’m coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them seem to work
I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?
A: She outgrew her B shells.
A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students
Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?" As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storms out of the classroom. After the class, the teacher calls the girl back in and says "Young lady, I just have three things to say to you. First, the answer to my question was the pupil; second, you have a very dirty mind for a child your age; and third, one day you're going to very, very disappointed"
If your Tesla gets stolen,
is it called an Edison now?
A string walks into a bar
He says "Bartender, get me a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The string is pissed. He goes into the alley, twists himself up, messes up his hair, and storms back inside. "Bartender. Get me a beer." The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "Hey, ain't you that string I sent out earlier?" The string shakes his head. "I'm a frayed knot."
Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym
Because no one can spot him
I have an EpiPen…
My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
A man owned a small ranch in Montana,
One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on. “Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher. The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board” “And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “ The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!” “You already are” replied the rancher.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
A kid asks his mom:
Mom, what’s dark humor? Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap Mom! I'm blind…. Exactly.