The part at the bottom does not make it any funnier.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.
A girl killed a butterfly [Slightly NSFW]
Her father became mad and said "No butter for you" Later, the girl killed a honeybee, her father again became mad and said "No honey for you" The girl later killed a cockroach. Her father said "Nice try, this is Alabama" (Sorry, English is not my first language)
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
An ancient mathematical joke
https://ift.tt/2NzJIMz
What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?
They both have to pass the bar.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
The neighbour’s dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything. Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
My grandfathers last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
Man is at a job interview
Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000. Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
Why did the man refuse to throw out his recliner?
Because they go waaaaaay back.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare
My grocery store had a great deal on baked sweets today
It’s really been a great cake day
Why did the first people to fly a plane succeed?
They were Wright
What did one hungry plant say to the other plant?
I could use a light snack.
I think I suffer from Kleptomania
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.
My wife just admitted to me that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
Unknown man sneaks into WH and gets picture taken with a discombobulated President Trump.
https://ift.tt/38mdDRT
I was a soap addict.
But now I'm clean.