The past present and future got into an argument while camping.
http://bit.ly/2BE6vBp
The gynecologist who became a mechanic!
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
Here’s a picture inside of the busiest railway station ( Howrah Station) in India!
https://ift.tt/2Pxb34x
New Hampshire Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the Iowa Caucuses.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only New Hampshire voters can submit flair requests.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTERS: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
I ordered some glue online using Amazon, but it hasn’t arrived yet.
It’s probably stuck in the mail.
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
At first I didn’t like having a beard
But then it grew on me
What animal can jump higher than a mountain?
All of them, mountains can't jump.
Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?
You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.
My wife told me sex is better on holiday
…worst postcard ever.
Why did the competitive fish eater sustain liver damage?
A: she would never accede a minnow fan! @SwiftOnSecurity
My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
A teacher asked her students to share what their dads do for a living.
Little Johnny said, "My dad's a stripper at a gay nightclub and he turns tricks in the alley way to earn extra money." The teacher was Mortified and after class she pulls little Johnny aside and ask, "Johnny is your dad really a stripper at a gay night club?!" Little Johnny said, "No. He's a reporter for CNN but I was too ashamed to say that."
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
I started a company…
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
When I was in kindergarten, I was so caught up in learning the names of all the numbers that I memorized them out of order.
I couldn't see the fours for the threes.
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
I was addicted to soap
But now I'm clean
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
Where do mollusks find books to improve themselves?
The shellf help section.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
I tried to come up with a good acid pun
But they're all too basic 🙁
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness
So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.
What Fish work in hospitals?
Sturgeons.
Had to wright a paragraph about this photo for my online english class today…
https://ift.tt/2VZxXnz
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are okay by themselves, but get horribly racist when 3 of them get together.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins…
She's not nosey, just terrible at parking!
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
They fired me from the calendar factory
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, drinking beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." Jim stared at him. "You some kind of faggot, Bob?"
