The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones!
But the people in Abu Dhabi do!
My dog ate my computer science homework
It took him a couple of bytes
The director of Pulp Fiction…
Quarantino.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Did my first Uber shift last night till 5am and I forgot to charge each customer.
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
A man with a 25 inch penis…
Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well give it a try. So he goes to the witch doctor and the witch doctor said” Oh, that’s easy. Just climb up the Bear Mountains and go down Bear Mountains. Fog will appear then disappear. Once the fog disappear, a frog will appear on a lily pad. Ask that frog if that frog will marry you.” So the man goes up the Bear Mountains, down the Bear Mountains, fog appears, fog disappeared. A frog appears on a lily pad. The man ask the frog if he will marry him. The frog says no and the man felt a trembling and shake, looked down his pants and noticed his penis shrank by 5 inches. The man asked the frog again, “Frog, will you marry me?”. The frog again said no. The man felt the trembling and shaking again and noticed his penis shrank by 5 more inches. He thought to himself, “This is great! All I gotta do is ask the frog one more time and he will say no and I’ll have a 10 in perfect penis and every woman will want to have sex with me”. He proceeded to ask the frog one more time “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog looks up at him and said “How many times I gotta tell you? NO, NO, NO!”
I had some delicious honey on my toast this morning.
Later as I walked past the hive where it came from I said "Thank you bees for making the best honey in the world." A few shouted back "It's good but we wouldn't say it was the best honey in the world." Oh I thought, they must be humble bees.
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
As a doctor, I’ve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.
Tetris is a good game
In fact, you could even say it was a blockbuster
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
I’ve been having sex with my boss
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
A girl killed a butterfly [Slightly NSFW]
Her father became mad and said "No butter for you" Later, the girl killed a honeybee, her father again became mad and said "No honey for you" The girl later killed a cockroach. Her father said "Nice try, this is Alabama" (Sorry, English is not my first language)
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
Ah yes… because boomers were the only ones that got injured from playing outside. 😌
https://ift.tt/340rTxe
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
A guy and a girl are going to prom together.
She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her. She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is very long but eventually he is able to purchase her a corsage. She asks to take a limo, and so the guy goes to rent a limo but the line is really long to rent a Iimo. Eventually he pays for the limo and they go to the prom together. When they get to the school, there's a line to get in, and after waiting awhile they're finally at the prom. She asks if he would go get her some punch, so he goes over to the table and there's no punch line.
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar
She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less." The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."
My dad always told me that I am special, that I am the 1%…
Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
Why wasn’t Cinderella allowed to play soccer?
Because she kept running away from the ball
Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is 2 * 2 ?”
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, “3.99” The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02” The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces, “I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!” Philosopher smiles, “But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?” Logician replies, “Please define 2 * 2 more precisely.” The sociologist, “I don't know, but is was nice talking about it.” Behavioral Ecologist, “A polygamous mating system.” Medical Student, “4” All others looking astonished, “How did you know ?” Medical Student, “I memorized it.”
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
