The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones..
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
What do you call chickens who count their eggs?
A mathamachicken
Dad jokes are the best
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it.
I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street. Her ears are brand new!
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
Where did captain hook buy his hook
The second hand store
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
What do you call a Jewish Knight?
Sir Cumcised
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the Halibut
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says
"I'm going to become a vegan". The other one says "me too" The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny " The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"
A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller
“I want to open a fucking checking account.” The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
What do you call an Irish baker?
A ginger bread man. Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet. The waitress asks, "Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?" "Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time." "But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks. "Well, then I just call them by their last names."