Accidentally glued myself to my autobiography this morning
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
A tourist visits an Indian reservation…
…where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?" Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs". Impressed, he continues his vacation and returns home. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how". The old chief simply replies "scrambled".
someone insulted me on my monitor’s refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
Dad, are we Pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
My wife is always threatening to harm me if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils…
but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
What do you have when you buy the wrong meat at the store.
Mistake. (My 7 yo daughter thought it up at the grocery today. Never been more proud.)
Doctor, Doctor! I’m terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
There are 3 genders
Male Female IMAGINATION
A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
The secret service doesn’t yell “Get down!” anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
People are so sensitive now-a-days.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”
Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money
I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
There are 10 kinds of people…
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on?
Zapatosaurus
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
Why should dog owners invest in tennis balls?
They have a high rate of return
I know every single digit of pi.
I just don’t know the order of them
Why are ghost so bad at lying?
You can see right through 'em.
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
Three samurais compete with each other
Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" – he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half. The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces. The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly… and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter – but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"
Damn girl, are you a piñata?
Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
I don’t trust umbrellas.
They're shady.
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
Jokes about the weather can be funny…
To a certain degree.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need it to go skydiving TWICE.
Some people think that boomboxes are really old school.
I think it's just a stereotype.
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters Wife : never H : pistol, three letters W : gun H : disgust, three letters W : ugh H : charity, four letters W : give H : female sheep, three letters W : ewe H : Pixar movie, two letters W : Up
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one…
Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" “My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also." It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
A Tampa man dies and goes to Hell.
A Tampa man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.” The man says, “No problem. I’m from Tampa.” So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Tampa man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine. “No problem…just like Tampa in June,” the man says. So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Tampa man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. “No problem. Just like Tampa in July,” the man says. So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, “No problem. Just like Tampa in August.” Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Tampa man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on. To which the Tampa man replies….. “THE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!” “THE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal
They just want to dye. (My first oc please don’t hurt me)
Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans