I hope someone woke up Green Day
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My son turned 27, so he’s no longer covered by my health insurance.
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night
Turns out it was just saturday night fever (Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)
How heavy is a red hot chili pepper
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Why don’t keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
He had a sense of humour! Said his brother is Robin Yashed!
He had a sense of humour! Said his brother is Robin Yashed!
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
Spicy Marriage
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is a cumin.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Ans: Elephino
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”
So, Pierre grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie`s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?” shrieks Marie. “Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!” His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Pierre rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her tits. “Pierre, what are you doing?” “My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!” They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, “PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?” “My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But it’s not hard.
Man says to his boss, “Can we talk? I have a problem.”
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
My son asked me if I peeked at my presents early this year…
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
my girlfriend left me because I’m insecure
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
I starting wearing depressing outfits
It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
“Yes, we arson.”
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Its not hard
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing….
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning. Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says "I'd like some damn cheerios!" The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says "well what about you?" He says "well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived on the Bay they’d be bagels
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
I saw my son scratching his knee
I asked him if he had a 123. Confused, he looked at me and asked what I meant. I stared back and said, you have an ichi ni san.
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”…
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the front door unlocked!”
I made a website for orphans
There’s no home page