A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one…
Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" âMy mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also." It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
Two balloons in the desert.
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
Atheism
Is a non-prophet organization
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. “Do you guys have golden toilets?” he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?" "Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet." Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
Why does 10 have PTSD
Because he was in the middle of 9 11
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, âNo, no, no, youâre gripping the club way too hard!â âWell, what should I do?â asks the man. âHold the club gently,â the pro replied, âjust like youâd hold your wifeâs breasts.â The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife canât wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, âNo, no, no, youâre gripping the club way too hard.â âWhat can I do?â asks the wife. âHold the club gently, just like youâd hold your husbandâs thing.â The wife listens carefully to the proâs advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. âThat was great,â the pro says. âNow, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like youâre supposed to!â
Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet?
Because he spends years at C!
My wife told me that I had to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
I have got some news for her.
Blue Collar Joke
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young familyâs 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them âgems-in-the-roughâ more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars âpayâ sheâd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: âI worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.â âOh my goodness gracious,â said the teller, âand will you be working on the house again this week, too?â The little girl replied, âI will if those lazy assholes from Loweâs ever deliver the goddamn drywall.â
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
He had a sense of humour! Said his brother is Robin Yashed!
He had a sense of humour! Said his brother is Robin Yashed!
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan?
Not Captain Hook.
The abundance mating signals girls give off if they like you.
https://youtu.be/yFY_uOb7bRk
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says…
5 beers please
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!
I’ve just started knitting for the Mafia
They call me Scarf Ace
A man in court says, “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present.”
Cop: "But you are the lawyer…" Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
Why is giving blood easy in Taiwan?
Because everyone is Taipei.
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
I just said, âNo commentâ all the way through the police interview…
I didnât get the job.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
You can’t run through a campsite
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
I quit my job at McDonaldâs today…
Boss was a clown
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.”
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home." Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too." Poof! The redhead gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
I heard this one from my raughty mother. I dont know if it is original :)
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?â Michael said: âJust a minute I have to go pee.â The teacher responded by saying: âThat would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?â Sherman said: âI am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. Iâll be right back.â Thatâs better, but itâs still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?â Little Johnny said: I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.â The teacher faintedâŚ
Five years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times
My girlfriend just admitted she was having an affair with our teacher.
I don't know what's worse, that I'm being cheated on or the fact we're both homeschooled.
The first rule of vegan fight club.
Tell everyone about vegan fight club. Edit: Credit goes to Aba and Preach on YouTube.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – âmaybe this is it!â She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: âHave you ever been fucked?â Excitedly, the man responds âno!â The woman replies âwell youâre fucked now, mate. The tideâs coming in.â