The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
Yes
https://ift.tt/2Hh05xn
In the Israeli government who has the most power?
The Jewdiciary branch
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
There’s a nutcase going around our town stabbing people with knitting needles.
Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours. The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $2.15.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
Today I met the underwater spy
His name was James Pond
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer…
The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer. Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says: — What, have you never seen a naked woman before? — That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.
Best laugh I’ve had in a long time.
So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinson’s disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.
I used to think all black people had boomboxes.
Turned out it was just a stereo type.
Someone tried to attack me yesterday so I threw a table at them
it was a counter-attack.
Upon hearing that his elderly grandfather had just passed away, Dave went to visit his 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When he asked how his grandfather died, his grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Dave told his grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, dear," replied granny, "many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She then paused to wipe a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs
…like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.
A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1…
He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she… ahem… rewards him… then he steps on the scale. He lost 1 pound! As he leaves he sees a new sign next door. "Lose 2 pounds for $2". He pays, enters. This time there are two gorgeous naked women in running shoes. They say "Better start running." He does, chasing them around the track. Two hours later he catches them. He is doubly… rewarded. On his way out the scale shows he lost 2 pounds! The man leaves. Sure enough, next door there is a final sign: "Lose 3 pounds for $3." By now the fat man is exhausted and can barely walk… but he cannot resist. He pays and enters. The door slams shut behind him and locks. Alone on the running track is a 6'4" muscular male body builder, naked except for running shoes. The naked athlete points down at his enormous erection, smiles at the fat man and says… "Better start running."
iPhone 12 Trailer – 48 Cameras (Parody)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
My friend Jay just had twins and wants to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
Me: “I bought my girlfriend a plant.”
Kid: "Is it real or fake?" Me: "Fake." Kid: "Of course, and what about the plant?"
Host: What are you?
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”
The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband. The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to flicking channels and stuffing food in his mouth. The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. And turn the TV off. “Now you look here! You come home late, don’t even say hello, don’t explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn’t you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all you do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even…. The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. “Damn” he mutters to himself, “it’s started”.
The doctor told me I’m colorblind
Yeah. It really came out of the purple.
I was thinking of going as a band-aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.
It would be really hard to pull off.
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I organised a secret bukkake party for my girlfriend…
Everybody came, you should have seen her face!
Where do man-splainers get their water?
From a well, actually
I got banned from the secret cooking society…
For spilling the beans.
