The phrase must be put into a meme before it can be funny
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crêpes.
Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building
That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud. So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man: "Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?" So Mike does. That night the young couple begins. After a while Mike calls out "This ok John?" "Yuuup! Fine!" After a while he calls again "This alright Johnny?" "Fiine, fine!" And a third time "This alright, pal?" "Mike! Take the ducktape off!" "What? Why?!" "The entire building thinks you're fucking me!!!"
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
My friends caught me listening to an audiobook of the digits of pi…
and I never heard the end of it…
I won $3 Milllion on the lottery
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.
I’m never smoking weed with mexicans again.
I asked who got papers, and they took off running.
My dad just got me good.
My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."
How Long is a Chinese name.
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How do you check if a sniper loves you?
He misses you.
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Joke
You could view the cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a big time spoiler….
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
Man on a deserted island (Long)
A man has been stranded on an island for 10 years, when one day, a beautiful woman emerges out of the sea in a wetsuit. "How long has it been since you've had a beer?" she asks. "10 years" says the man. She unzips one of her pockets to reveal a bottle of beer. He drinks it and says "Man, that's good!" She than asks "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "10 years!" says the man. She unzips her other pocket and ands him a cigarette. He lights it and smokes it. She then starts unzipping the main zipper of her wetsuit saying "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" to which the man replies "Woah! Don't tell me you have a jet ski in there!"
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?
Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
Comedian doing crowd work gets an answer he wasn’t ready for and handles it perfectly
https://youtu.be/rV8XhzG_rAg
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion
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Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about ancient Mesopotamia, but I had to stop him, because…
I didn’t want him to Babylon…
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime
How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?
One, we are very efficient and not funny
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?
Last weekend I went to see my gf’s soccer match and she did this awesome save…
…She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud.
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?
Because of all the red flags.
I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”
Too many Maine characters.
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
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Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,”I’ll have H2O, too.”
The second man dies. That's why you shouldn't repost.
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."
You ever hear the one about the bad meat carver?
Yeah me either, he couldn't make the cut.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
Why are communist jokes so funny?
Everyone gets it.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Pilot, copilot joke.
Pilot and copilot are getting ready to land. The pilot says, "I've heard this airport runway is pretty short so I may call for some extra flaps. The copilot acknowledges. They break through the clouds and see the runway. The pilot says to the copilot, "yeah, that's a pretty short runway. Give me quarter flaps. Copilot adds quarter flaps. They get closer. The pilot says, "Damn, this runway's is pretty short. Give me half flaps. Copilot looking a bit nervous gives him half flaps. The pilot now is getting pretty nervous, "crap that's a short runway, give me three quarter flaps!" The copilot starting to sweat gives me three quarter flaps. They're about to touch down. The pilot yells, "holy crap this is a short runway! Give me full flaps!" The copilot panicking gives him full flaps. They touch down apply full brakes and reversers and somehow manage to stop the plane. After they come to a halt, the pilot wipes his brow and says, "damn! That was the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The copilot looks around and says, "yeah, but sure is wide".
I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.
The cashier said : “hardback?” I said: “yeah and little heads”
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!”
“Impeach.”
Chocolate is like guns
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend