The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."
The doctor phones the man back shortly after and says, "You called?" The man thinks for a second, then says, "No, pretty warm, actually."
It was pissed off…
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
Because it sure as hell can't start with the guy leaving.
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
Imagine all the people
His business sucks but its picking up.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?" The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday."
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
They taste like sheet.
The red flags were everywhere.
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
They're just remarkable
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
How do you ruin a joke?
My neighbor walked past with two dogs and I said, “I didn’t know you had dogs.” He replied, “They’re not my dogs, they’re my sisters.”
I exclaimed, "Wow, your sisters are really ugly!"
Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours. The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
They really take the cake.
We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”
2019 will be odd too.