The post went from 100-0 real quick
Why are they called hemorrhoids?
Shouldn't they be called Asteroids?
I bet prostitutes cause temporary blindness.
All they do is flash and bang people.
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
The creator of winrar is arrested
His trial is expected to last forever
A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.
-Hi Gary, how's everything going? -Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and… -Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I don't get upset and ruin my holiday. -Sorry, I never heard that before. -Well, that's ok, I guess you just didn't know. How's Dad doing? -Ahh, he's up on the roof right now.
I once accidentally mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza”.
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined…
Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!
I’ve just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.
It's a step-by-step guide.
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.
It was mother fucking gold
After my performance at the shooting gallery, the coach said, “Take a bow.”
"Shooting isn't your cup of tea," he continued, "You better switch to archery."
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
After sex I like to cook for my husband….
He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals— the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins". "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well… if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now." The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life." The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free." The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide." "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance." The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died." The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
Today I said to my (male) colleague, when he was dressing
Looking sharp looking fresh, 10 out of 10 would smash!
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?” The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
A man takes his wife to get tested
Two days later, he gets a call from the lab. Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease. Man: So what am I supposed to do now? Doctor: Take her for long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
When geese make a V in the sky, why is one side always longer than the other?
There are more geese on that side
A guy asks a woman “Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?”
She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes." "Well would you do it for five dollars?" "NO! What do you think I am?" "We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms
But it's actually because they're dead
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Scientists have recently discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart.
They say it's a blast from the past.
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
Politicians are like sperm
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside of Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold! Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.