The power went out in my house today.
I was delighted.
Am I just overthinking or do others also feel like this
Am I just overthinking or do others also feel like this
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle…
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? . . . . . . . . You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!
Alabama Pastor
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Two engineering students were walking across campus…
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike." The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
I went to a zoo today which only had a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
Why was power so tired?
Is was working overtime.
My wife claims she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
I saw on the news that someone just broke into my local police station and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners
Luckily for me, catscan
Her: I think we need to break up. I’m sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it's full groan.
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
I can’t believe how many people don’t understand erectile dysfunction.
I mean, it's not hard.
I tried to go left whenever I played Mario.
It was wrong on so many levels.
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]
A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him P – What sins have you done, son? S – I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her P – That's a big sin but I'll forgive you, son S – Thank you father but i have sinned another time, i went to my mother in law to send her something and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her as well P – That's a second time so that's worse but I'll forgive you my son S – Thank you very much father but i sinned another time, I finished work and before going out it started raining, the secretary and I got stuck in the building, things heated up and i fucked her as well! The priest checks out of the window and sees that it had started to get cloudy and he says P – You better get the fuck out right fucking now
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
THE PIXEEELS
THE PIXEEELS
I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying “motherfucker”. Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying “motherfucker”.
Oedipus: You guys are all talk.
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Because he did not want to be spotted
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”