The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”
This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… “Donald duck.”
They can’t keep a straight face
But most have 4
The cornea the better
Four is an unpaid intern.
It must be viral.
When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich." The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table. The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can sit wherever I want, I'm fucking rich." Again, the bouncer decides to let the guy sit down, still hoping for a big tip. The guy then walks behind the bar, grabs the most expensive top-shelf bottle, and takes it back to his table. The bouncer, realizing that the owner will fire him for letting a guest grab such an expensive bottle, stops the guy a third time and says "I don't care how wealthy you are, you can't have that bottle." All the sudden a huge man, dwarfing the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder and tells the bouncer to let the guy keep the bottle. Indignant at the bold statement, the bouncer replies "and who the hell are you?" "Rich."
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He rolls down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me a body!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Almost a year goes by and Christmas rattles around again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me arms for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, sure enough, Little Tommy has arms. He leaps onto his palms and down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me arms!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Almost another year passes and Christmas arrives again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me legs for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, a pair of fully functional legs with feet to boot. He sprints down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me legs!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Little Tommy can’t believe his luck. “Mommy Mommy, I just have to go tell Little Billy I have legs!” Little Tommy throws open the front door, bounds outside and is immediately killed by a passing car. The moral of the story? Quit while you’re a head.
Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
That came out of nowhere.
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
Because freedom rings
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
The rotation of the earth
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
The odds were against me
Thought it was a nice jester
I would name the other one "DupliKate'
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
A carrot 🥕
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
Husband: Sometimes, but only by accident. Wife: What? How does it happen by accident? Husband: Well, sometimes when I'm pooping, I can't help it.
Because he hated capitalism.
Remains to be seen.
It was harder to deter gents.
The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor. He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity" He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor. He thinks "I definitely can't do that for eternity" He walks into a third room where theres a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffee. He says to himself "…well I guess I could get used to the smell." After 10 minutes in the room, the devil comes in and says "Alright, coffee break's over. Back to headstands."
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
Those jokes are a decade old now!