The presidents brain works at a frantic speed…
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”
Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
"Between you and me, something smells" (Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side!
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
Apparently nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire….
…but Quasimodo has a hunch.
I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.
It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
I got an email that said “You have won £36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details.”
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
It translates to: Pero (the guys name) if you did not notice, I am wearing the same dress.
https://ift.tt/2XpzNP7
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer,
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
What do french people smoke?
Oui'd.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
Me: Hey, can you help me with a crossword clue? I’m stuck.
Her: Sure, what is it? Me: “Overworked postmen.” Her: But how many letters? Me: Too many.
My wife accused me of being immature…
I told her to get out of my fort.