The princess of nepotism is so accomplished πΈπΈπΈ
What did the spice maker say when he orgasmed?
Iβm cumin!
A Tampa man dies and goes to Hell.
A Tampa man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, βSometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.β The man says, βNo problem. Iβm from Tampa.β So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Tampa man to see how heβs doing. To the devilβs surprise, the man is doing just fine. βNo problemβ¦just like Tampa in June,β the man says. So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Tampa man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. βNo problem. Just like Tampa in July,β the man says. So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, βNo problem. Just like Tampa in August.β Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Tampa man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man whatβs going on. To which the Tampa man repliesβ¦.. βTHE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!β βTHE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!β
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual-intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.'
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
I went to see an Egyptian doctor to try and fix my back…
He's a Cairo-practor…
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius,
But his brother Frank was a monster!
What do you call a fake turd?
A shampoo
What was Frosty doing in the Vegetable Aisle?
Picking his nose!
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
Did u know you can tell an ants gender by putting it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats……..boy ant.
What do they say in Paris, TX?
Oui-haw!
Whatβs the difference between a screw and a bolt?
Screw is what my dad did before I was born. Bolt is what he did after I was born.
I applied so much spray deodorant in 2008 that a man suffocated.
Does that make me an Axe murderer?
My girlfriend told me, βI donβt think Iβve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.β
I said, βFloors are beneath me.β
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”…
… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What do you call a caring prostitute?
Someone who gives a fuck
It translates to: Pero (the guys name) if you did not notice, I am wearing the same dress.
https://ift.tt/2XpzNP7
You know why black people love watching sports?
Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.
I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know" Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?" "I'm adopted" He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
Did you hear about the guy who was killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.
Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.