The problem with kleptomaniacs…
…is that they always take things literally…
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant…
She said, “Thanks dad, that means a great deal.”
Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer!
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
Did you hear..
About the snake that fell down on a drum? Ba-dum tsss
The Police
Police:Where do you live? Percy: With my mum Police:Where does your mum live? Percy: With me Police: Where do you both live? Percy: Together Police: Where is your house? Percy: Next to my neighbor's Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Percy: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me Police: Tell me Percy: Next to my house
I hear coronavirus porn is trending.
What a bunch of sick fucks.
Stop saying life is a joke. It isn’t.
A joke has meaning.
When I was in college, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.
Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.
My ex-wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better!
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job…
We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students
Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?" As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storms out of the classroom. After the class, the teacher calls the girl back in and says "Young lady, I just have three things to say to you. First, the answer to my question was the pupil; second, you have a very dirty mind for a child your age; and third, one day you're going to very, very disappointed"
“I have a split personality”
Said Tom, being frank
I drew a 90° angle perfectly yesterday.
Looks like I finally did something right.
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
I was taking my first martial arts class
The instructor told me that in this school of martial arts, unlike most others, there were eight points of contact to strike with – hands, elbows, knees and feet. He then told me to try striking the punching bag with my knee But I hit it with Muay Thai. (Thanks u/Daedyl)
I got gas today and it only cost $1.39!
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he’s aware wolf
I remember 2018…
Like it was yesterday.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
God said to John come forth and have everlasting life.
But he came in fifth and won a toaster.
My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.
That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
How meaning of how Adam and Eve came to be
So basically you know when ur high you feel funny and stuff. Yeah so when the universe was made it made humans like this feeling high all the time and then the humans eventually made a amichane to stabilize the damasion and only had two people of the race left because all the others killed them self eventually and so Adam and Eve are the unstable humans and after zapinf them selfs with the beam they came to the niw stabaliEd timension and reset the world by.accident and. The material to make the machine was smooked weed and so when you smoke weed or stuff and get high you accidentally go to a realm in-between both stabaliEd and unstabaluzwd dimasion and so you feel high because euyr In 3 and 1. (stabaliEd version dimasion) and you are feeling millions of years of knowledge and memories so it’s too much for your head and you get high she to loss of blood in the head. Freaking world out there people. Love you all goodnight . Garfield oh shit he is behind me aahhh gnandrgfiwld orange cat aaa. Om nom nom. mmmm -garfield (last oart). ……..(bye/night)
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.