“The Prophecies of Nostradumbass” (hope this hasn’t already been posted)
My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.
It was a little drum attic.
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
What do you call a super soaker that shoots blood?
A plasma gun
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy.
What weighs less than blue ?
Light blue
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think Iβm being stalked.
When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, Iβm pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, Iβm Dad. Wife: No youβre not.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!”
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking shovel he said he didn't have one!"
robin: the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
A sheep, drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
A guy asks a woman “Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?”
She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes." "Well would you do it for five dollars?" "NO! What do you think I am?" "We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
Where are all these great dad jokes stored?
The dadabase
Downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody. Quality is really bad though. Low res. Dark. Blurry.
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Wife: “I shaved down there. You know what that means…”
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they canβt even
This sub is not meant for memes
This sub was and still is for boomer comics, things that boomers find funny, or straight up boomer garbage. I’ve noticed that many people are posting memes about boomer humor, which isn’t what this sub is for. Thank you
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
The teacher gave
her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?" "Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."
Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.
Looks like Iβm in for a wild December.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub…
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. Before you know it, they're getting down to it. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
Amazon has come up with a new service where they will deliver custom made shirts within 48 hours of ordering.
Itβs called Tailor Swift.
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."