The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
but if no one likes it and it gets down-voted then so-v-iet
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
He goes to the urinal as another man enters and starts using the urinal next to him. The other man looks over at him and asks, "Are you a Jew?" "Why yes, I am," he replied. "Are you circumcised?" The second man asked. A bit put off, the first man answered warily. "A strange question… but yes.. I am circumcised…" "Did you grow up in New York?" The second man asked. "Well, yes! I did. How did you know?" "Did you study under Rabbi Korinski?" "I did! How do you know so much about me?" "He cuts at an angle and you're pissing on my shoe."
But it's clear to me now.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
So I took matters into my own hands…
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Ask them for their watergraph.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater
I thought it was a nice jester
I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend . Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
They have no windows.
The Final Countdown
A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney. The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you come into possession of this money?” The man responds “I am the world’s greatest gambler, and I can prove it.” “Is that so?” The judge asks incredulously “Here, I’ll show you… I bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eye.” “Okay, go for it.” The man removes his glass eye and bites it. The judge is dejected, as he just lost $1000. Still, he’s not sold. “That’s a good trick, but I’m not sure that makes you the world’s greatest gambler.” “Alright… Double or nothing. I can bite my other eye.” The judge reads the man’s face, and can clearly see that he’s not blind. He takes the offer… The man then removes his dentures and presses them down on his other eye. At this point, the judge is torn. The man is an excellent scam artist, without a doubt, but he doesn’t know if that’s enough for him to clear his charges. Plus, he just lost $2000 to him. The judge sits quietly for a moment. The man speaks up again “How about double or nothing again? I bet you that I can do a handstand on one side of your desk and pee into the wastebasket on the other side.” Obviously, this is wildly inappropriate behavior for a courtroom… But we’re talking about $2000. The judge looks back and forth across his desk a couple times, and decides there’s no way he could possibly pull this off. He agrees. So, the man walks up, does a handstand on his desk, and attempts to pee across the desk into the wastebasket. He doesn’t even come close to making it. The judge exclaims “Yes!” The man’s lawyer shouts “No!” And covers his face with his hands. The judge asks “Wait, what’s wrong?” The lawyer says “He bet me $10,000 he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.”
it's not hard.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
A sheepdog tells the farmer he’s going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says “We only have 48 sheep.”
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!" So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?" "Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
I've never been good at geometry.
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
Because the meat was Chewie.
existence is pain.
When you pee on them, they disappear
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
Boss: Hard drive? Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day