The Public’s Priorities
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…
Oh, ha, husband bad this time 😎
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
God damm cell phones
Knock them down
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
Questions that remain without answer
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
Ah jes the good old times
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
Thought NZ would win the World Cup
Look at us now
Am i the only one doing this.
Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
I asked my son if he saw the newspaper…
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
Every Github developers dream.
People these days huh
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mum’s”
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
The same goes for any other science
Literally everything uses “AI”
Where tf did you come from
The Cringe is strong here “Hey everyone! I’m a programmer and this is a programmer shirt!”
What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
*Sad designer noises*
Take Money out of Politics
Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving?
It scares the dog.
Damn bro. das deep.
How would life be without women?
A pain in the ass…
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Happy Anniversary to the south.
Comments in a nutshell
Believing in 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth thiest.
How IT people see each other
I told a girl to text me when she got home
She must be homeless..
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency
looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
Why did the doctor get angry ?
Because he lost his patients .
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
I have ;phobia
The circus is coming to town!
haha wife bad
Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’
My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.
He said: "Gil… remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"
Why was the boxer in the furniture shop?
He was shopping for beddingdingding.
A clown opened up my post today
No text found
What do you call a hippies wife?
Dwayne Johnson locked eyes with Medusa
You’ve heard of Alphabet Soup…
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
Yeah that’s me
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says…
5 beers please
Husband = bad diamonds = good
I finally understood Einstein’s theory of relativity.
It was about time.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
This is how I see smug ass boomer memes
Never keeps his promises
Candidate selection matters
Am I normal?
The mathematics of the universe is truly exquisite
I had a flashback when he said that.
Found this in some sourcecode for an extension I use
iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!
A kiss can make your day
But anal will make your hole weak