The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19…
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
It’s an exact model because the dna doesn’t change at all there’s just more of them
https://ift.tt/35YyhXa
French Woman
The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
What do you call a dad joke that’s matured?
All groan up.
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
I was going to make an April Fools joke
But that was so yesterday
![This video from facebook [screenshot]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/1pj8te1zmab21-400x440.jpg)
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”
“Yes… but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.
I’ve gone bald, but kept my comb…
I just can’t part with it
Did you hear about the janitor who quit drinking?
He cleaned up his act
What is SpongeBob’s least desirable personality trait?
He’s too self absorbed.
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you…
An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed
The steaks have never been higher
A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out "Do you still need a push"? In the distance he hears a reply "Yes Please". "Where are you" to which he hears "Over here on the swing set"
A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you’ll hear Satan.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
I got fired from my job at the bank today
An old lady asked me to check her balance – so I pushed her over
What does Yoda call a shape with three sides?
A do-or-do-not-angle. There is no try-angle.
![Dunno if this works but [everyone liked that]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/gjrojo93dce41-400x497.png)
CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
