The quality of this is impeccable

The pool on the titanic is still full…
Let that sink in
My mom’s sister works in a bakery and is always in a bad mood.
She's my cross aunt.
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
R. Kelly in the news again–tested positive for the COVID-15 virus
…apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.Β The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.Β The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.Β The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
If Robocop was a transformer,
Would his name be stoptimus Crime?
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
A limbo champion walks into a bar…
he is immediately disqualified.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while heβs drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole…
The bartender screams at the guy, βDid you see what your monkey just did?β The guy says, βNo, what?β βHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!β says the bartender. βYeah, that doesnβt surprise me.β replied the patron. βHe eats everything in sight. Iβll pay for the cue ball and stuff.β He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later heβs in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. βDid you see what your monkey did now?β, he asks. βNow what?β, responds the patron. βWell, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!β says the barkeeper. βYeah, that doesnβt surprise me.β replied the patron. βHe still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!β
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.

I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but Iβm not impressed.
Iβve had a Canon printer for years.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
You put a nipple on it
One Jamaican walks up to another Jamaican in the park.
'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?' The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'
A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.
As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small simple toys, and colorful eggs. She exited her Cadillac to take a closer look. A moment later an older man driving a red pickup truck pulled up behind her Cadillac. He was wearing overalls and muddied work boots, and had the look of a farmer. He noticed the woman's car had stickers on it for a famous cosmetics company, and true to that profession, her hair and makeup were exquisitely done. He walked up next to her to see what the issue was, took in the scene, and started sputtering, jaw agape. "Is that… is that… that can't be…" The woman's eyes narrowed, and her face set with a look of determination . She went to the back of her car, opened the trunk, and then walked up to the dead rabbit carrying an aerosol can. She liberally doused the bunny with the contents of the can, then hesitantly stepped back. After a few moments, the bunny leapt to its feet. It quickly gathered all the candy, eggs, and toys into its basket. It then hopped about ten feet down the road, turned, and waived. It then hopped another ten feet, turned, and waived. And again, and again, until after several minutes it had disappeared behind a hill. The farmer, having watched it all, turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, just exactly what was in that can?" The woman just silently handed the can to him. He took it and read the label. "Hair Spray. Brings new life to hair. Adds permanent wave."

Funny because it’s ironic and Sad because corona time will never be the same again. π
https://ift.tt/3bhTAoM
How do billboards talk?
Sign language
My buddy drowned the other day
I placed a life jacket in his coffin It's what he would've wanted
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
Jack and the blonde
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
Hispanic attacks
What do you call a veterinarian who practices chiropracty?
An animal cracker.

I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!π
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but it has no atmosphere
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks
I think it is time to reconsider calling people ‘Karen’. It is rude…
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen. Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager. *sorry*
Never challenge death to a pillow fight.
Unless youβre prepared for the reaper cushions.
An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes." The social worker then went on to explain further"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well…You started it!"
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing
…except at a funeral
My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other’s condition because we may be in their position one day.
So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray
"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant. "No, it kills them."
I taught a wolf to meditate
Heβs now Aware Wolf