The Rape Truck
Yeah, they’re scared of those
Beautician to the left, hairdresser to the right
When Unity’s loading screen finally coincides with your feelings about your project.
Faux and Friends
“Drunk Christmas tree”.
Why I don’t use Facebook
My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
Sounds about right
CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
Boomers just aren’t funny though
Once long ago, a fisherman heard beautiful singing while he was alone a at sea.
He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home. He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite. The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance. Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.
I think this is probably closer to the truth
What weighs less than blue ?
Why so nervous? Are you hiding something?
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
What a stark contrast between a functional Government and the Trump administration
Ladies and gentlepersons, my Mom. Fittingly upset that I have a tattoo
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
My math teacher put that on the first page of our workbook (still love the effort)
Stop it Louis
Experienced developer restructures the code (no tests)
Why do chicken coupes have 2 doors and not 4?
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo.”
What’s it mean when you have a song stuck in your head?
You have a one-track mind.
Why couldn’t the coast guard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out
A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 – “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”
Guy #2 – “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?” Guy #1 – “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”
We all cried there.
Enjoy the new record!
Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?
Around the world in eighty days.
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
Preach it Lemmy!!!!
I mean, it’s that simple, right? 🙄
Boobs are like the sun.
You can stare at em longer if you're wearing sunglasses.
No deed goes un-Donald’ed
Couldn’t Be More True
This gem was posted by my uncle on Facebook.
Save the Onion
iron told carbon a joke so funny…
that he decided to steel it
Waiting for that message [OC]
Sorry if bad cropping
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind!
You know the thing about holy water
I don't see the use of water with holes
What is a gay banker’s favorite Christmas movie?
Homo Loan 2
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible
No text found
Please remember to vote today
and remember to call a doctor if your election lasts more than 4 hours.
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
What is Yoda’s last name?
who added the -Werror flag?
But how will we pay for it?
Heaven and Hell
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
it's not hard.
Okie dokie boomer
Donkey the geologist
perpendicular to the wall obviously
Should POTUS know geography? “Bomb Ireland! Wait.. Iran! Dammit!”
Good ol’ days
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.
The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce. "Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister. "Hmm, Yes it is" "Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the AP points in a direction "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets" The minister just nods. A few weeks later, the minister invites the AP to his home for a party. Upon reaching the minister's home, the AP was surprised at how grand it was. It was a royal-looking mansion. He asks the minister, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?" The minister takes him outside and points in a direction and says "You see that bridge over there?" The AP replies "No"
Came across this great response
Being a programmer is easy!!
Cheaper than a plane I guess
I don’t like Civil War jokes
I General Lee don’t find them funny
Relevant, yet has strong 2006 vibes
Did you hear the police are on the lookout for a psychic midget?
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
I’ve lost my scapegoat.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
Different reactions to New App Idea’s
Wife’s mother BAD