The reaction image doesn’t even make sense, but 22k upvotes on r/memes
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.
I’m not fucking lying.
Why are tigers always honest?
Because they aren't lion
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
*Knock knock* “who is there?”
"Doris" "Doris who?" "Doris locked, that's why im knocking."
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
My wife always screams during sex
But, it’s usually when I walk in
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
What do you call a teacher, who retired?
A Taughter.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
1 person in every 10 doesn’t understand the binary number system.
The other guy is fine with it.
My girlfriends place is filled with bees!
She's a keeper…
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
Why did no one in the King’s court laugh when the king farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage…
Only driven from time to time.
A nun goes to the priest and says “father, there’s a hole in the roof of your church.”
"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church." The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman. The following day the priest is preparing for a visit from the local bishop. As he is weeding the gardens, he cuts his hand. Calling the nun over he says "there's a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my quarters somewhere, could you fetch it for me?" The nun nods and goes looking for it. It is as the priest is greeting the bishop that she returns from the church and loudly announces "father, don't worry about the weed, the alcohol was under our bed!"
A teacher asked his students a math question.
"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?" After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front. "One dollar!" she said. The teacher, conflicted on why the girl can't add, explained to her and the whole class how adding 1+5 works. At the end of class, the students were dismissed. A staff member oversaw the whole thing, and approached the teacher. "What the hell were you thinking asking that type of question?" the staff member asked. "What? I just asked them how much money 1+5 is- They couldn't even answer it!" "You said their parents gave them five dollars." "Yeah, so?" "You work at an orphanage, you moron!"
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn’t know I existed.
Getting hit on by a hot gay guy is like finding a million pesos
I can’t do anything with this now, but if I ever cross that line I’m all set
A man’s car breaks down outside of a monastery.
A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars. After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery. Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery. Being a man of God, he obviously figures, "I bet the monks will let me stay with them while my car is repaired." So he goes to the front gate and knocks on the door. A man in robes answers. He tells the monk his predicament and the monk, being a monk, lets him stay the night, and even helps with repair costs for his car. While the business man is sleeping that night, he hears this strange noise. It just perplexes him, and for the life of him, he can't figure out what it is. He decides when he wakes up in the morning, he'll ask the monks about it. When he wakes up, he finds the monk who he met when his car first broke down, and asks him, "Can you tell me what that noise I heard was last night?" The monk replies, "I'm sorry, brother. I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk." The man accepts this. He thanks the monks for their graciousness, and goes about his way when he gets his car back. 3 years later, he is driving on another business trip. And wouldn't you know it, his car breaks down in front of the monastery again. Again, he figures, he can stay the night. And, of course, the monks let him stay and offer him the same help as before. And once again, during the night, he hears that noise. He has no idea what it could be. He decides to ask the monk once again, with hopes that he would trust him more this time around. In the morning he meets the monk again, and asks, "I'm sorry for asking again, but what is that noise!?" The monk replies, "I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk." The man says, "Alright! I'll become a monk! What do I need to do!?" The monk replies, "I need you to travel the world, and count every blade of grass if you truly wish to become a monk." The man swiftly accepts and leaves all of his worldly possessions behind him to travel the world on this mission. He goes to all corners of the globe counting grass blades. After 50 years, he comes back to the monastery. He gives the monk accurate numbers and the monks give him monk-hood. And obviously, the first thing he wants to do is find out what that noise was. So he asks the head monk. The head monk beckons him to follow him and he does. After a few minutes of walking through corridors and rooms, they happen upon a wooden door. The man can hear the noise. He gets excited. The head monk hands him a brass key. He reaches with the key to the lock, and unlocks the door. There is another door though. This time iron. And the monk hands him an iron key. This happens again and again. So many types of doors and keys. Every thing you could imagine. Glass doors, gold doors. Everything Finally, they get to a door made of solid diamond. The noise is louder than ever. The monk hands the man the final key. He opens the door and finally sees what has been making the noise. But I can't tell you what it is, because you aren't a monk.
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
No text found
My girlfriend has the weirdest way to start a conversation with me..
„Were you even listening to me?!“
I tripped over my wife’s bra left on the bedroom floor last night…
Damn boobie traps
TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.
Because Fuck U, that's why.
So, Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
The psychic convention is cancelled
Due to unforeseen circumstances
A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.
"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks. "Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with. Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?" "Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy." "I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?" "We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs." "Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?" "Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."
Are you aware of how to avoid clickbait?
Guess not
Mountains aren’t just funny
They’re hill areas
Told my wife i was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.
She asked where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
Why did the blind person fall into the well?
They didn’t see that well.