The real effect of UV-light on parties [OC]
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
Just gonna go to the bathroom for a bit, nothing special.
Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys…
You know he's really beating himself up right now.
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
Golf good, wife bad
Praise the lord!
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
the classic languages
Went to a zoo that only had one animal in it, and it was a dog.
It was a pretty Shih Tzu
temp=a, a=b, b=temp
A valence electron.
Let’s keep the contributions coming!
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
What genre are national anthems?
The Queen of England
The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Just. Like. That.
Never challenge death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 18 siblings and they don’t know either.
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."
What’s the 9 letters of the pirate alphabet? (CORNY ALERT)
R, I, and the seven c’s (Say aloud) XD this made me laugh, hope it brightens your day
When the code reviewer asks me if I have documented the code.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
After nearly three weeks of trying, my wife finally told me, “I’m pregnant!”
She really has the worst stutter ever.
Mom, dad… I’m gay…
My mom looked at my dad. My dad clenched his fists. My mom screamed: "NO DON'T DO IT" …. My dad, breathing heavily: "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Down the dark corridor
When You Proud to be a Good Programmer
How do you get free tickets?
Drive over the speed limit.
Samsung know I once bought one of their phones but they’re a bit sketchy on the details.
save us raas-putin
Today I quit drinking for good
now I only drink for evil
Well It’s 1 for the Money, 2 For the Show, 3 To Get Ready…..
4 For Sales 5 For Customer Service or 6 to hear these options again
Me: I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts!
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
Wife ugly, surgery bad
Whenever I fix a bug in a large project
White House Claims “Boos” at World Series Were in Honor of Halloween
r/memes has been getting more and more like Facebook
this is concerning
We never meant for those rules to apply to *us*
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
I scared the mailman by answering the door naked.
I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
It would be so easy to make this not racist.
A cop pulls a guy over..
Goes up to the drivers window, says “license and registration please.” Guy says “here is my registration, I’m sorry but I don’t have my license on me.” The officer, in a good mood replies, “that’s okay, what’s your name I can look you up in our system” “Nick” “Nick… what?” “Nick nothing, just nick.” Cop says “okay I’m trying to be nice, don’t fuck with me. Explain.” Guy replies “ Well I was born Nicholas Johnson. Everyone always called me Nick Johnson. I went to medical school, became a doctor. So then my name was Nick Johnson M.D. “ “One night in Vegas I was with a hooker, she unfortunately gave me VD. When I got back home they called me Nick Johnson M.D. with VD. Somehow one of my patients got infected so they took away my medical license so then my friends called me Nick Johnson with VD. “Then the VD took my Johnson so now I’m just Nick”
My brother said, “What rhymes with Orange”
I told him no it doesn’t
I’m more of a python user but ok
The truth is out there…
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Every programmer’s facing this kinda problem :P
Fart joke har har
Elemental responses don’t always get the reaction you expect.
It’s OK little guy, come to papa.
I took the rear view mirror out of my car
i haven't looked back since
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,
A drunk man was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk man ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth.." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
*star wars theme song*
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
Zero school shootings so far this year.
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea