The real heroes of computing
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.
They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well. The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat. The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!” The priest says “Do we have time?”
A man gets pulled over by the police…
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Dont have sex with sad people.
They're just trying to fill a hole.
What did the police officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
The President of the United States saves the economy from the COVID-19 slowdown.
https://ift.tt/3ac8Pj8
TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.
Now millions of people can breathe easier.
A cardboard belt is…
a waist of paper
My math teacher called me average…
How mean.
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
This year, I gave up using spreadsheets for 40 days.
It is Excel Lent.
My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
Describe yourself in three words
Not good at math
When does a pun become a dad joke?
when it becomes apparent.
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
Did you hear about the great Duct Tape Heist?
No one knows how they pulled it off.
An American, a Canadian, a young attractive woman and an old lady were on a train
As they went through a tunnel and it became too dark to see and a loud SMACK could be heard. As the train exited the tunnel everyone looked at the American and saw he had a bright red cheek. The old lady thought to herself "I bet that American grabbed that young woman and she smacked him for it." The young attractive woman thought "I bet that American grabbed that old lady thinking it was me and she smacked him for it." The American thinks to himself "I bet that Canadian grabbed that young attractive woman and she smacked me thinking it was me." And the Canadian thinks to himself "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack the American again."
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What did the mod say to the redditor?
[removed]
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Today, in honor of 4/20, I’m letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.
It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial?
He was trans-bender
![[Everyone liked that], ruining decent memes since 2018.](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/bkute5ld1v051-400x571.jpg)
I hit a rat with my car today
It left a ro-dent
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”
"Is this her first child?" he asked. "No this is her husband"
Getting fire training at work and was asked what steps to take in the event of a fire.
I said BIG ONES in the opposite direction of the fire….apparently the wrong answer.
What did the llama say when he was getting evicted?
“I guess alpaca my bags.”
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
