The real heroes
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
What do you call a mummy with a cold?
I don’t know, Sir Cough I guess
So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.
The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of disappointment tells the guy "while I am in fact a mighty powerful genie, not all wishes can be granted. A wish of that magnitude is impossible. Think of something else". The guy thinks for a moment and says "ya know what Gene? I love reading reddit. One of my favorite subreddits is r/jokes, but all that is there are reposts. Can you get some new material on there for me?" The genie replies "Ok…..so was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"
Why did the sun never go to college?
It already has thousands of degrees.
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.
Peter Dinklage turned 51 today.
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
I used to be a skydiving instructor.
I dropped out.
I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.
I think I might be a heroine addict.
A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you at 5-6?”
I replied Kindergarten
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
Fifty Shades of Gray has beat records for the fastest selling R rated movie
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
A Bridge Too Soon
A Bridge Too Soon
My son turned 27, so he’s no longer covered by my health insurance.
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
One of my coworkers told me that my dad jokes are bad.
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting, to which Sherlock replied…
“Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who hated negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better
People say i look better without glasses
But i just can't see it.
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees