A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
I put LEDs on her engagement ring
Her face lit up when I proposed
Overheard at Epcot:
In the Germany section of Epcot, the guy in front of me orders a beer. Cashier says "nine dollars please", guy: "woah, free beer"!
Why do keyboard never sleep?
It's because they have two Shifts.
Insta and YT decided to copy TikTok and exploit ppls short attention spans π
Insta and YT decided to copy TikTok and exploit ppls short attention spans π
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
Nobody likes my joke about paper
It's tearable
First visit to America as German guy!
I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by. She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!" I shouted back "DANKE!"
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
I yelled βCow!β at a woman on a bike…
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.
I don’t trust elevators anymore.
They are always either up to something or letting you down.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
Up until today, I only knew two jokes about the Fibonacci sequence. Then, today, I heard a new one.
It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.
“Welcome back, everybody” is apparently not a good way to start your speech
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault, Ebola wasn’t Obama’s, Sars wasn’t Bush’s
And only a handful of Herpes cases was Clinton's
How did Helen Keller know an angel was always watching over her?
It was Heaven-scent
I’ve never particularly liked those Russian nesting dolls…
They're so full of themselves!
An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.
The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies." The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him. After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"
My wife tells me I should never steal kitchen utensils…
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take
Truly ββtwas a pity when William Pitt died
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My favorite sex position is called βWOWβ…
Itβs when I flip your MOM over.
What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?
They both give children serial numbers.
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, βGet a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.β
The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, βThey had eggs.β
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity.
She kept screaming βIβm Wei Tu Yungβ. Like I was supposed to know the name.
What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock’s vagina in Bird Box?
Bandersnatch. I'm sorry.
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
I just realized my countertop is made of marble.
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
A racist man walks into a bar…
He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him. He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy." As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him. The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face. Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man." As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling. visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man. He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing. Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?" The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."
An astronaut was trying to make coffee on the space station…
Astronaut 1: "I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk." Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
My grandad always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…
I told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
If you insist, we can make love… but in credit card position!!! Contactless!!!
https://ift.tt/33Km3RC
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.
He asked the Pirate Captain. βWhy do you have a wooden leg?β The Pirate Captain replied. βArgh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace whatβs goneβ. The boy then asked. βWhy do you have a hook for a hand?β The Pirate Captain said. βArgh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me hand off so I have this hook to replace whatβs goneβ. The boy finally asked. βWhy do you have a glass eye?β The Pirate Captain lowered his head slightly and replied. βA grain of sand blew up off the deck and got in me eyeβ. The boy stood there confused. The Pirate Captain, raising his head back up, said to the boy. βArgh. It was me first day with the hookβ.