The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
A blonde got tired of blonde jokes…
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
Never marry a tennis player…
Love means nothing to them!
What do cops say when they have sex?
Stop resisting!
Difference between a good friend and a great friend
Difference between a good friend and a great friend
Man I love my furniture
Me and my recliner go way back.
My country has so many thieves who try to steal the cat. So i have to do this =3=
https://ift.tt/2Yt7DTW
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
Two satellites decided to get married
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant
Like my name, phone number, address…
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, “Oi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”
The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”
I was a soap addict.
But now I'm clean.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you’re alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
There’s only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice
And that’s Chris Brown
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter
Which sucks because he had a great fall
I’m entering into the world’s tightest hat competition
I hope I can pull it off.
Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
I got a bar installed into my roof.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
How to nail a job interview
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
Donald Trump was due to get circumcised
But the doctor said the procedure couldn’t go ahead due the fact that “there is literally no end to this prick”
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
Holocaust survivor dies
He goes before God and starts telling him holocaust jokes. God says “My son I don’t know what you’re doing, but this isn’t funny.” The man says”Oh well, I guess you had to be there.”