The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock
“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.
He didn't want to be spotted
Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
Now he has toadal recall.
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
One is a superhero, the other is a command.
…were upset when their tent collapsed
But my wife said that was irrational.
Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works…" Man: "But I keep losing my Focus!"
Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
It kept crashing with kernel errors.
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
He tractor down.
.. they would eventually find me attractive
Because he was feeling crumby.
it was accidental
You can’t tuna fish! “What about the glue?” I knew you’d get stuck on that!
As they are about to start climbing the 100 steps to heaven, God says, "Wait!" "At every step I will tell you a joke, if you don't laugh, you can go to heaven." The girls agree, and start climbing. On the 27th step, the redhead starts laughing, and disappears. On the 77th step, the brunette can't hold in her laughter, and disappears. On the 99th step, the blonde begins to laugh. Before making her disappear, God asks, "You were so close, why would you start laughing." To which the blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."