to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
But my kids are still here.
Man being a teacher is hard
It’s fucking r/aww
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Because he felt his presents…
Great food, no atmosphere.
He is my Czech mate.
Until I drove pasta
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
Ah well..back to it I suppose
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so – I've been working out!"
They twerk from home.
I think I'll pass.
There‘s one less drunk.
She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them. The woman ends up giving birth to two girls and a boy. 13 years later the first daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later the second daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, my period just started and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later she sees the son laughing hysterically and approaches him and asks what's the matter. The son replied, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
now I only drink for evil
I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
He said “Oh, I was just checking my balance”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly Ages 32-55: Try-weekly Over 55: Try-weakly
Because they lactose
Due to the massive blood loss during the delivery, she had gone unconscious shortly after they were delivered. She awakens to a nurse who congratulated her on having the kids and told her that her brother had come in and named the children for her. "Oh no" the woman said, "My brother is a little slow…he's not entirely all there" "Don't worry" says the nurse, "He actually picked good names, the girls name is Denise" "That's not that bad" says the woman. "What's my boys name?" The nurse replies "Denephew"
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!
Boy, do I have some news for her.
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign