Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
Why is gum similar to guns?
If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.
If ‘A’ is for apple, and ‘B’ is for banana, what is ‘C’ for ?
Plastic explosives
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
Have you heard the joke about procrastination?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
I
J
Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
My friend, who is a Jehovah’s Witness, is really mad at me.
He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.
I’d like to thank my legs
For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them.
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman…
…were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “As it is my first wife’s birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.” The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, “Please tie two pillows to my back.” This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!” “Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Irishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with admiration. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?” And the Irishman said, “Tie the Englishman to my back.”
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
A farmer buys a young cock…
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.
Did you hear that Michael Jackson’s had a sex change?
He identifies as he/he.
How do you catch a cursor fish?
click bait
I found an origami porn channel.
But it's paper view only.
Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed. A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The ass hole is usually in charge.
I couldn’t decide on how much lettuce to buy, until my wife helped me think it through.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
My Patient just told me this joke and i can’t stop laughing
George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise. On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought – who could it be ? Then the doorbell rang again. He got up and walked up to the door. As he opened the door, he was greeted by this young bombshell blonde, donned in a sexy little red dress with matching red lipstick and red heels. As he says Hi, she replies – Are you George ? He says- Yes, I am. She says – I am from SuperSex. George pauses for a minute. And then says nonchalantly, I'll have the soup please.
Why did the train go to the sauna?
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decaffienated
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…
You have my Word.