What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
The wheel installer at the auto factory told me, “Man, I’m so tired.”
As a muffler specialist, I replied, "I'm the one that's really exhausted."
White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too
Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”
Authentic genuine 1964 boomer humor found in a men’s magazine in a secret wall stash
https://ift.tt/2YmQDhV
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
I hired a landscape gardener…
But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
What are terminators called when they retire?
Exterminators
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
In the past, the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now, the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.
You can say… I solved the case.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
You shuold be be able to edit titles
Edit: should
My marriage just ended because I didn’t open the door for my wife.
I swam for the surface instead
I quit my job at the helium gas factory
I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.
Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar…
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’Shea
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team
Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights. Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program. One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor. As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0. The next day, the headline on the local sports section read: No Offense, Nun Taken
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Why are the Avengers so good with tools?
They’re always assembling