The scientific accuracy of Jurassic Park
He was running a huge pyramid scheme…
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor." Officer: "That is correct." Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?" Officer: "The floor was still wet."
Thanks for the gold kind stranger! Edit:Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
John came fifth and won a toaster.
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if it would like food with that. The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
I avoid meet.
She can't hear me otherwise.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
He re-cymbals me, too.
With only 5 parachutes on board. A Doctor says, “save the women”. A young mother says, “no save the children”. A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”. A priest asks, “do we have time”?
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
I still fell for it though
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
So I had to put my foot down.
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
She said "Fuck you." So I'm pretty excited for 2020.
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”