The scientific accuracy of Jurassic Park
If you see a toilet in your dreams
Don't use it.
Alabama and Lousiana here’s your chance to show America you’re not who we think you are
https://ift.tt/33jE0FJ
Why didn’t the angry customer want to hear what the employee had to say?
She wasn't Karen about any opinion but her own.
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t see in the dark…
I’m bisexual
If i can’t get sex, I bi it
Bilbo awoke one morning to find that a Tesco supermarket had been built next to his house
That's an unexpected item in the Baggins area!
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.”
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!"
A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.
The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople. The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face. After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin. The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.” The man asks, “Why not?” And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”
My dad died recently.
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.
Who first used propaganda?
The Australians. They asked you to take a “proper gander over there”
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.
That idea was immediately shot down
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly. “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
The exact moment a “states rights” president claims total authority over them.
https://ift.tt/3eiMGlz
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?
I will not die in vein!
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
My daughter thinks I’m overprotective and nosy
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
For years I was against organ transplants
Then I had a change of heart
I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
My friend threw sodium chloride at me!
THAT'S A SALT!
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?
They were already stuffed!
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.
My wisdom will kill me one day
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home. Finally, it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home. Imagine what would have happened to the bottle!…. Edit => Wow , thanks for all the upvotes. However, I feel bad, as it is not my own joke
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!
Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?
Because she took him for granite.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. “What are you doing?” she asked him. “I’m going to have a bake sale to buy a car,” he answered. “Where on earth did you get that idea? We’re in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!” He said…
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
Joke my 6 year old son made up.
What is the best type of pan to cook fish in? A CAST iron pan. Get it? Because you have to cast for fish. I thought it was super cute!
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
