The second book is full of “left as an exercise for the reader”
There was a girl
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"ο»Ώ
What rhymes with banana?
No it doesn't
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
'Bout tree fellers.
Whether you acknowledge it or not, it’s still true. Like… creation vs. evolution.
https://ift.tt/3aCVqAn
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If itβs a girl: girl ant. If itβs a boy …
Iβve been having to use lettuce as TP since the Covid craziness
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
Why can’t werewolves tell time
Because they are not when wolves
God made a pie and called it Earth.
He needed to cool the crust, so he put it on the mantle.
My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places….
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
Someone threw a can of coke at my head today….
Im ok though, it was a soft drink
Where do DJs get their information?
The wiki wiki
My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden.
She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
I went on a tea marathon last night.
After 5 chamomiles, I was exhausted.
What do storm troopers and churches have in common?
Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew
Apparently you canβt use βbeef stewβ as a password.
Itβs not stroganoff.
I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said “yes!”
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
I found out my toaster isn’t waterproof
I was shocked
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
What do you call a dolphin that never ends?
Dol, cause thereβs no βfin.β
2 blonds are in heaven….
One asked the other: "how did you die?" "I froze to death" said the second blond "That must be awful, how it felt?" said the first blond "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death. It's sort of calming. How did you die? " "Well, " says the first blonde, " I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me. I came home unexpectedly and went upstairs to find him on the bed naked. I checked the basement, but no one was there. I ran up to the second floor and checked every room, but no one was there. I ran all the way to the attic, but I had a massive heart attack and I died." "Wow, " says the second blonde, "If you checked the freezer we would both be alive."
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'll just beat the room for being black.
I started lifting with only dictionaries
I wanted to add definition to my muscles
How does music say goodbye
Audios
STDs are a lot like Pokemon…
It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.
I have a scary joke about math, but I’m 2Β² to say it.
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