The Secret Life of Tech
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up
The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
What rock group has 4 guys who don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
Too much paperwork.
My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom
I almost choked on my own cock
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun
The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work." Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work." Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work." They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. The officers call the private over to ask his opinion. The major says, "Excuse me, private, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your opinion?" The private says, "Well sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you would have me do it.
Why was my post removed
Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed? I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.
Why can’t you stay up until the cows come home?
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
Wow, I just passed my probability exam.
What were the chances of that?
Am I only the only one who thinks this “meme” is BS? Like ywd she be a class.
https://ift.tt/3esMeRl
Where do Captain Hook and Darth Vader shop?
The second hand store.
Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???
I just got kicked out of another funeral home…..
This joke only makes sense if you follow rugby:
A Scotsman walked into a bar. There'd normally be an Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman as well, but they're still in Japan for the Rugby World Cup.
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean
Good condition, only driven from time to time
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
A coworker told me a joke about Oedipus and King Midas today.
It was motherfucking gold.
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
I’m having a small get together for Tom Hiddleston’s birthday
It’s a Loki event.
Why does seaguls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.