The Secret Life of Tech
People mostly get shocked when the find out that….
I'm a bad electrician.
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but I can’t tell them to you
None of them work
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner. “Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
If I could shoot rockets out of my feet,
I would call them missile toes. Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes ‘WHACK’ , “ah shit”. A bad skydiver goes “ah shit” , ‘WHACK’
My friend asked me, “what’s the best part about living in Switzerland?”
I said, “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,
what does smoking Marijuana do?
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer
She always runs from the ball
What do you call a fake turd?
A shampoo
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
If you only believe in 12.5% of the bible
You're an eighth theist
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
As a child, I was abused by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
How does a Jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
What do the twin towers and gender have in common?
There used to be 2 of them and now it’s a touchy subject
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!" He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
They should stock ATM’s better.
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
They are immediately disqualified.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused on my trip to Japan
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Why didn’t Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?
Because he fucking hates Carols.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
Comic Sans walks into a bar. “Get out of here!” Shouts the bartender…
…”we don’t serve your type!”
7 year old got me today
Did you know gibberish spelled backwards is gibberish? No, it's hsirebbig. Exactly my point!
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire. Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!
People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf.
He didn't listen though.
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar…
Blunt force trauma
