The Secret Life of Tech
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
My neighbours listen to great music
Whether they like it or not
When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
A new Navy recruit has just been assigned to his first submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently…
…by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy…
Catholic parrots.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. "I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!" "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
I started a dating site for older people.
OK Boomer Edit: well holy fuck 7 upvotes and I got my first gold. Not sure what I’ll do with it. But thank you kind stranger.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
4 Nuns died in a car accident…
They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates. St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis? The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger! St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass. He then asks the second: Have you ever touched a penis? The second one also adit: Yes, I masturbated a man once. St Peter seemed slightly disgusted, but then tells her to put her entire hand in the holy water before he allows her to pass. Sudenlly, the 4th nun goes crazy and yell: Please! Ask me that question before the nun in front of me!!!!! St Peter, confused, asks why. The 4th Nun replies: I really want to wash my mouth before she puts her ass in the holy water.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
synonym rolls
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
No Kidding Only Coding, A funny satirical article on daily dilemma of an Indian Parent
https://ift.tt/3h1Ha88
Bread is like the sun
it rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
What do interstates eat their peanut butter with?
Traffic jam!
I’ve just started knitting for the Mafia
They call me Scarf Ace
After nearly three weeks of trying, my wife finally told me, “I’m pregnant!”
She really has the worst stutter ever.
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
Well Trumpy you’ve got 402,000+ people to visit and “embrace” atm. Better get on it.
https://ift.tt/39ORxHL
My son and I were fishing and He said to me, “i used to know a guy with a wooden leg named Smith”.
I replied, “funny, what was the name of his other leg”.
Homosexuality is found in over 150 different species, homophobia is only found in two.
We aren't doing enough to exterminate the fag-hating squirrel.
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well, well, well…
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
People think that the word ‘queue’ is just ‘Q’ followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters aren't silent, they're just waiting their turn
I pushed a chinese person down a flight of stairs
It was wong on so many levels
What does my iPhone drink to refuel?
Apple juice
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
