The Secret Life of Tech
For anyone attending Stan Lee’s funeral…
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
My wife asked me if I wanted kids…
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
Please laugh
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff….
Bah-dum tssssssss
Trumpets and Gun
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?""What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""So?""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
How does Bono spell “color”?
With or without "u"
What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
Damn You Autocorrect
A year ago, drunk and lonely, I stumbled upon Reddit by mistake when I was looking for RedTube. A year later the difference is obvious; one is a site full of naked people with no self respect, moaning and saying or doing all sorts of degrading things just to get some attention. The other appears to focus mainly on pornography. Thanks for a great first year!
Where were the first French fries made?
…in grease
The amount of bad coronavirus jokes is starting to reach worrying numbers.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.
An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off. Soon enough, he got hungry. "Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis. The man to his right said he would like a Coke. "Of course." said the Indian. "After all, Indians and Pakistanis are Brothers!" When the Indian went to get the coke, the man who asked for the Coke spit in one of his shoes. Once the Indian came back, the guy to his left asked him for another Coke. He happily obliged. While he was gone, the man spit in his other shoe. Soon enough, the Indian returned, with the Coke, of course. After everyone had settled down, and the Pakistanis had had half their Cokes, the Indian put his legs in his shoes and sighed. "How long will we keep doing this, brothers? Spitting in each others shoes, pissing in each others Cokes?"
Today I saw an ad that said: “radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids
I’m a faux pa
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Do you know the antonyms of the following words?
Always Coming From Take Me Down
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus
Sails have gone through the roof
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic…
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
The American Government right now
https://ift.tt/2Mk4XlR
If you take something, that’s one thing
If you take something else, that’s another thing
Boobs are like the sun.
You can stare at em longer if you're wearing sunglasses.
I tried to makeup a joke about shopping.
Does discount?
So I texted my crush and asked her, “Are you an ancient artifact,”
“Because I want to date you.”
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
