The Secret Life of Tech
My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60…
Now he’s 97 and we have no idea where he is
Honestly women shouldn’t have children after 35
That'd be way too many
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
My friend looked at me and said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing!”
I said, “Thanks, but I think we call them pants, not an ass shirt.”
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
I quit my job at McDonald’s today…
Boss was a clown
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
A furniture store keeps calling me…
All I wanted was one night stand.
America will never know a finer moment than when this abomination is out of office.
https://ift.tt/2N1G8uS
People think being a waitress isn’t a respectable job.
But hey, it puts food on the table.
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
Ever wondered what to say to your sister when she’s crying ?
“Are you having a crisis ?”
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didn’t realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village.
A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.” The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. The goats are mostly white but there’s one brown goat. The doctor tells the village leader: “Look over at those goats! See, sometimes this happens naturally. All those goats are white except for that one brown one.” The village leader looks to the doctor and says: “Ahh I see your point, doctor. Tell you what, I won’t say anything about that white baby if you don’t say anything about that brown goat”
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating…..
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
Sony, Panasonic, Toshiba.
They're all stereo types.
A close friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrific end, but a lovely finish.
An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him…
… the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
I’ve been involved in a number of integrations, both as a leader and a follower
https://ift.tt/2SXWCb8
Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.
The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!” The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles. The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is showered in delicious meat. The third dinosaur, not to be outdone by the other two says “I want a meatier shower!” Edit: Thanks for the silver!
Steve Irwin died as he lived.
With animals in his heart.
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter! After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!" "I know…" Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".
I got a grandmother in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
Who wants to learn about Roman numerals? I for one.
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Rest in peace to boiling water
You will be mist
“YOU’LL SEE! THEY’LL ALL SEE!”
– said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd. (credit goes to my mom)
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time
A buddy once asked me if I’ve ever stuck it in her
…you know, "other hole". I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.
